wanting is not a word by Kalliste Hardy
wanting is not a word, but an exegesis
it is a small bird
it is in my hair
and coating the floor
like sheared wool
there is nothing tender
stuck on the skin of wanting
years later
the bite still draws blood
– and it feels good
you are free to make this body jagged
inhabit this crest
the cul-de-sac of my neck
I do not like how empty it is anyway
swollen, hollowed trunk
with a rotting, lonely smell
God saw my wanting
he felt an envy, thick and slow
he saw that it was strong and sure
and stuck a knife into my leg
but I am walking in someone else’s bloody trail
and what’s this?
a goddess I had met once before
she speaks my mother’s mother tongue
she tells me I am a fool with a slow heart
she plucks an orange from the ground
– is this my wanting?
cut off a piece of your desire
and feed it to me
like a wolf
my tongue will know the taste
the longing never lies
and it never lasts
when I think of you, can you feel it?
if you tell me that
you are falling for me
I would advise –
do not trip
it is rough terrain here
it is murky
and it will kill
the waters
are out for blood
they will sacrifice
anything to get to you
you are glazed in the skin that I lo–
were you going to say love?
do not pretend that there is a shred of gentleness here
“This was one of my few very early attempts at poetry. It was also one of the very few moments in my life that I have written unbridled and unstructured. I wrote this piece two years ago, and did not hesitate to bin it straight after it was done. I couldn't read it without feeling scalding hot shame for the way my desperation manifested on the page. It is a poem about desire and unrequited wanting. Why was I expecting my desperation to not show? I loved it because it is mine. I loathed it because it was mine. I am thankful to have never emptied my laptop bin.”
Kalliste (kuh-lis-tee) Hardy is a Greek-Turkish-Australian woman (she/her/hers) living on unceded Gayamaygal country. In her writing, she mostly enjoys working with her own diaspora, ancestry, and desire. At any given moment she is either journaling (ferociously), eating figs (messily), or playing chess (poorly). Her Instagram handle is @applebottomreads.