Patron Saint by Jessica Natasha Lawrence
I cannot be a good lover any more than a hungry child in a candy store could be a good example of poise and self-control, but if you let me, I would revel in tearing our lives apart and pasting them together until you couldn’t tell the difference between your shame and mine. I would cover the two of us in glitter glue until we can’t see through the sparkles, because that’s cheaper than going to therapy.
You would never see it coming—the destruction—because you’re starving too. It would happen like…I pour sprinkles in your hair and a couple of my nightmares fall in too. I didn’t wash the fear off my hands before I covered them in cake and now you’re licking it off. Everyone at the party thinks we’re disgusting because I’m eating the candy necklace as you’re wearing it and now your friends won’t look at you the same way but I look at you like you’re young and sweet and you think about burning the house down for me.
If we were an experimental indie film, you would run me over with your car and I would be reincarnated as your Christmas tree. You would hang your childhood memories on my branches and I would listen to you sing in your sleep. The reviewers would say it was quirky and unrealistic but strangely compelling, and I would write a sequel where I was the patron saint of everything that touches your skin. You would think you have me and you wouldn’t consider how I’m the one controlling the dialogue. It’s not a game but I win and you lose.
“I originally deleted this piece because I was ashamed of the way I felt when I wrote it. I want to be a good, respectful person who portrays healthy relationships in her writing, and I felt like the way I portrayed my attraction as destructive and love as something you can win didn’t line up with those goals. But I think it’s very human to have thoughts and feelings that don’t align with the person you want to be, so I’m giving the piece a second chance.”
Jessica Natasha Lawrence (she/her) is a writer from Canada whose work has appeared in The Clayjar Review, Tiny Wren Lit, Write or Die Magazine, 50-Word Stories, and To Write Love on Her Arms. She also runs a Substack called Dust and Birdsong and can be found on Instagram @typewriterbird