Panic Attack & Is It Sin? by Treziel Mae Mayores

Panic Attack

I breath in my mouth, 

I scream in my mind.

I want to shout it out

I hope no one would mind.

I want to let out

the pain in my heart.

The crying won't stop,

it feels empty,

My mind’s going blank.

I feel pain

but at the same time

I feel so dull.

I punch my face,

I grab my hair,

I curse my own name.

I wanted to cry

but it feels like choking

if I try.

memories in my head

hoping it’s good,

expecting it to be bad,

I tried to exhale all of it

but I know I can't.

I feel weird,

I look weird,

I want to hug someone.

I need an escape.

someone to cry over me when I'm gone,

tears that can fill a lake,

tears of true love and not fake.

someone to stop me

from cursing myself,

to help me from these attacks

attacks that i've grown fond of

so much.

Is It Sin?

Is it weird that the tingling sensation in my skin

as the blood pours out,

makes me feel more alive

than all your ‘I love yous’

and ‘you’ll be fines’?

Is it a sin, is it a sin?

to hate myself more

than a serial killer in disguise?

Asking myself: Why do you want to die?

When the answer is all at the reflection of a broken glass.

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“Rather than trashed, these are some of the poems that were kept in a metaphorical chest with rusty locks, guarded with snakes. I am 21 now and these were written in the dark ages of my 15th year, like for example, the first one is literally a live word vomit during a panic episode. I am (glad to say) far better emotionally than before, and reading these poems brings a lot of ache and not-so-good memories that I would really like to forget, but I can’t, so they were just left to rot…”

Treziel Mae Mayores is a student from the Philippines who uses she/her pronouns. She loves the rainy season but treats the sun as her muse. When she’s not busy cuddling her cat, she spends her time writing on her blog ‘Ramblification’. You can reach her on her Twitter @the_meiyor.